How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. The Slate advice columnists have a wide range of quality but I actually really like a lot of the parenting ones (particularly Nicole Chung and Jamliah Lemieux), even though I am not a parent. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. She is an adult. My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. The hard part is informing them that after this is over, youre done with being their financial and emotional savior. Ask him to take a walk, if possible (well-masked, staying away from others! She feels controlled and trapped. (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. Guess what? Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. Since hes started to do better with bottles (hes breastfed and previously had been refusing bottles), she agreed (if nervouslyand I did have to make the offer multiple times). "The other portals are of ebony. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. If she doesnt feel comfortable coming out to you, then its clear that shes not ready for the world to know yet, either. When will it end? I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. Photo illustration by Slate. Curated by J. The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. by . Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. Have a question for Care and Feeding? And then, it happened. Please dont do that either. But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. I know I need to go back into therapy, but Im home all the time now with my husband and I dont have the freedom and privacy to talk that this would require. As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips 473 Followers 347 Stories. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. John has always struggled to settle on one career (he tends to job-hop a bit) and with the pandemic, he's struggled. What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Photo illustration by Slate. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. I cant and wont live their lives for them, but they are my children, and I cant stand idly by while they live in a situation that I truly believe is hazardous to their health and which given his background and her struggles they seem unable to address. Now youve moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight. Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. I am currently 23. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. Sure, theres a chancebut what if she actually harbored some dark thoughts and acted on them? Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. At the beginning . Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. He has a crushhis first one, I guess (or at least the first one hes told you about). This is something that should be shared on her terms and nobody elses. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. I cant stand to read baby announcements. Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the faith. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! Its time for this man to do the same. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! From Our Callers. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. I have a large family. Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. I Despise My In-Laws. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Photo by Getty Images Plus. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. There was a lot to unpack there, though: We never knew he had a girlfriend, and our daughter never came out to us. You have to use headphones.". A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. I hate my sister-in-law. If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. We met, got married, and live in her hometown. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. Now I usually say, Thanks! Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. Photo illustration by Slate. Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. I honestly dont know. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. Ask our columnists a question here! Shes so lucky youre her daughter! Is that enough though? Do whatever you can not to insert yourself into it. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? She needs to hear and understand how seriously upset you and your partner are about this, and that it is unacceptable to specifically target your youngest child and discipline him in ways that you, his parents, dont find appropriate. Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. I can say this honestly and without bias. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. I Despise My In-Laws. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. That certainly applies here. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. So, what could you say when youre ready? New ones are published almost daily. But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? I asked my daughter to follow two rules while here: Not to bring home endless guests, and that she not get pregnant while living here. My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. My daughter's friends tell me I look great I was about 17 at the time " I've been searching for my father my whole life and through 23a Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. Dear Care and. Sometimes people who are hurting arent their best selves? This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way. All rights reserved. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. And I would say that Daisy needs to be talking to a therapist without her mother present as well as undergoing therapy with her. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. You should absolutely talk to your son. My youngest daughter is 10 months old andat her birthwas diagnosed with a very rare genetic disorder that brings with it a wide range of physical and intellectual disabilities. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. I have two beautiful daughters. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. Slate Advice Columns Dear Prudence Care and Feeding How To Do It This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A [deleted] Additional comment actions [removed] Reply Allianoraa Additional comment actions If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! 10. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? All rights reserved. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. Go find your husband and make sure hes sitting down with you while you read this. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. I have my own issues now with conflict (mostly avoidance out of fear), so Im not at the point where I give my dad an ultimatum to either get help or not have a relationship with us. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. I Despise My In-Laws. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. What should I do? And you didnt do that. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. I dont know where asking for privacy comes from (is this something he hears you or others say, which he may be imitating? The Backstory Will Give You Pause. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. Photo illustration by Slate. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). How should we prepare him? My kids, 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and the 7-year-old loves to read his big sisters tween stories. All English Franais. What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. Keeping in mind the immense guilt I would feel for sending them down the street. I think you do have to get back into therapy. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. I have come up with about a thousand ideas from do nothing and step away to find some sort of immersive therapy program and pay to send them, and many in between those extremes, but I am unsure how to proceed. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. What is a gravel bike? Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience? Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. I told him I just wanted them to have a couple of hours out of the house and obviously the baby hadnt been THAT hungry if he kept refusing bottles. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. Where do we go from here? Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) Have a question for Care and Feeding? Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. Help! Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. World United States United Kingdom Canada Australia South Africa Israel India France Belgium Switzerland. This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. Ive always been of the mind that regardless of whatever bad feelings there are between me and my ex, it is in our kids best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? She got pregnant, so I swallowed my pride and wholeheartedly accepted Teddy into our now four-person abode. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. Here's the lowdown The other day I sent my 35-year-old daughter a link to the weather report for where she lives (about icy, dangerous roadsI was concerned about her morning commute), and she phoned me to ask that I not send such things, as if you think Im incompetent. I took this as her setting a boundary and told her Id respect that, even though doing things for the people I love is my love language.
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